Author:
Simulacrum
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Date:
6/21/2011 12:19:43 AM
Subject:
RE: Great news for BF
You'll play Sergeant Major First Class Major Sergeant Turk Mercer, lately of Bravo Delta Wacka Wacka Company but recently transferred to the Phobos UAC Special Charlie Tango Echelon Maximus guard detail, where you discover that you hate your commanding officer, the tough but beautiful Colonel Hillary Masterson. You chafe under her exacting but fair management. You look for flaws but can't find them. Could it be . . . should you try sending her a Valentine card? No, better see what the other guards think.
But wait. One of the guards discovered some kind of portal to another dimension. As you rush to help, Colonel Masterson makes a remark about your pants -- something about the crease not being straight -- but you don't care because you realize that little hearts are bursting and bluebirds are singing --
but wait.
Colonel Masterson disappeared.
Everyone disappeared.
Well, not everyone.
Actually, there are quite a few people standing around who can give you missions. One guy even sells ammo. Then a mysterious man steps out of an office . . .
The game is being saved. Please do not turn off your console.
. . . and yells at you. Why are you standing around? Shouldn't you be fighting low-level monsters so you can level up and get started on the 783,000 cutscenes you have to watch? They ain't gonna get watched by themselves, son. And you need to rescue Colonel Masterson because we have to get her "I can take care of myself" speech out of the way and you two can start a stormy but wildly comical and deeply moving relationship which will culminate in an unintentionally funny sex scene. And then you'll need to find the large tentacled mastermind bullet sponge leading the monster invasion. . . .
Would you like to shop at the Bethesda Cantina of Values?
