Author:
Simulacrum
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Date:
1/28/2009 5:59:17 PM
Subject:
What I've learned about Rotten Tomatoes
The critics don't like American films unless the high school popularity system in Hollywood says it's all right to do so.
They love foreign films and independent movies made for under a million dollars.
They love anything having to do with gay sex or extremely kinky sex, and lots of it. They'll turn themselves inside out to say good things about the plot, the acting, and so on, even though it's just porn made with expensive cameras.
Big-budget movies made by Americans are usually rotten. I tend to agree, but this is because most of the money in Hollywood is used to fund youthful crackhead directors who want to make the next comic book movie. Memo to Hollywood: stop this. Go to a library and read a book. It's hard. It will make your head hurt and you'll get bored, but try it anyway. Get someone to read a book to you while you attach that ShopVac hose to your face and suck down fifteen pounds of cocaine. People used to make movies from books and did all right.
Memo to movie critics: stop partying with your art scene friends and trying to come up with cute witticisms in your writing. You're not very good at it. Writing, I mean. You may be good at partying. On second thought, continue to party with your art scene friends. When a sober person offers to drive you all home, decline.
Right now, Taken with Liam Neeson is getting bombed on Rotten Tomatoes because the people Neeson's character goes around killing are Europeans. The critics agree that it's a good action movie, but they don't like the way it treats Euros. I guess it's a good thing the movie people didn't go around blowing up Libyans.
All of this is my way of saying that I'm probably going to see Taken. I hope Roger Ebert still wants to be my friend.
