Author:
Simulacrum
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Date:
2/10/2012 11:56:29 AM
Subject:
RE: I suck at life
If you want to go whole hog, buy a panama suit, pad yourself, and spritz your face with mineral oil. When called upon, pretend to have difficulty raising your great bulk out of your chair. Then fake a wheezy laugh which should reach a mad pitch, punctuated by a few wretching coughs. All the while, you should be shaking your head slowly as if to intimate that you've seen it all but this really takes the cake.
Start mopping the mineral oil from your face and begin thus:
"Youah honah, distinguished counselors, ladies and gen'men of the coaht . . ."
(You should pretend to be from the South.)
"I should be vereh much obliged for an oppahtoonity to address some-a mah OWN questions to the accused. For I feah -- I say, I am AFRAID that this esteemed convocation may degenerate -- DEVOLVE, if you will -- into uttah and irremediable CHAOS if justice is not suhved. And how CAN justice be suhved if the accused does NOT HAVE HIS DAY? I believe I have salient -- I say PUHTINENT -- questions to address to this pushonage, which may put an ENTIAHLY NEW COMPLEXION on these proceedings!"
At this point, you may wish to take your thumbs out of your suspenders and sling your panama jacket over your shoulder.
