Author:
Simulacrum
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Date:
8/31/2013 9:01:38 AM
Subject:
Why I bought a fake tree
(simulcast on MBM)
For years, I have been in an emotional struggle about whether to get rid of a live schefflera tree growing in my house. Its big advantage is that it refused to die, no matter how long it was neglected. Parts of it would wither, but it would retaliate by growing new parts and shedding its dead leaves all over the place. The leaves would become so dry that they would break into granular bits if you touched them. You can see the potential for a fire hazard.
It's not like I deliberately neglected it. I did water it, but I never figured out exactly how much water it wanted. Also, I had no idea how to prune it.
Happily, my former neighbor likes to invade my house every once in a while and make improvements. Even though she lives across town, she still occasionally likes to come over and clean closets, save plants, etc. She's also a botanist by training, so she knows all kinds of things about plants. One day, she became aware of this tragic plant and decided to take it home with her. The plan was to restore it to complete vigorous health. First, though, she had to get it into her car, which was a monumental task. The tree was over six feet tall with sprawling branches. Fortunately, she knew which branches to prune, which turned out to be a whole lot of them. This reduced the tree to a manageable size and left a gigantic mess in the office where it had lived (she's good at executing the parts of projects that interest her but not so good at clean-up).
So after cleaning all the leaves and crap, I was left with a big blank place where the tree had been. It sat on a low end table by a chair next to an art-deco lamp. I bought some curtains, thinking this would do something, but it just made the spot more noticeable.
I knew I had to do something. This was a feng shui emergency. So I got on Amazon and found this ficus tree. To look at it, you wouldn't have much hope that it would gussy up that blank spot, but it turned out to be exactly the right thing. The lamp fits perfectly near the long trunk, and the leaf canopy is precisely what was needed to bring the curtains and everything together.
I like it so much that I'm trying to figure out how to get the neighbor to adopt the schefflera. She didn't seem to interested in keeping it when she rescued it. I'm sure I can come up with a good argument -- "This is no place for a growing tree. It needs proper attention from a trained person. It needs a good family, an education, etc." I think she'll see reason.
Meanwhile, I keep going in that office and stealing looks at the fake tree. It's perfect. I may figure out how to take a picture of it.
Let this be a lesson: When a trained botanist/gardener offers to steal your tree, don't resist.
