Author:
Simulacrum
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Date:
7/11/2018 9:28:06 AM
Subject:
RE: I got a $25 gift card for IHOP
ME: "Excuse me, sir, but I notice that you're going into the restaurant. How would you like a gift card?"
CUSTOMER: "Sure."
ME: "I have this card you can have for $30."
CUSTOMER: "This is a $25 card. Stop scalping."
ME: "I'm not scalping. What would you normally expect to pay for this card?"
CUSTOMER: "It's a gift card. I would expect it to cost nothing."
ME: "But what if you were going to buy it for someone?"
CUSTOMER: "It's a $25 gift card. Says right there."
ME: "But you would have to go to the store, find the card, stand in line, and pay tax. Let me ask you: how much is your time worth?"
CUSTOMER: "Are you going to let me go in? Do you want me to call the police?"
ME: "You look like a professional type. I'm just ballparking here, but I would guess you average about $50 an hour."
CUSTOMER: "If you must know, it's closer to $75."
ME: "So if you were to buy this card at the store, you would be charged $25 and tax, on top of the time you would expend to make the trip and complete the purchase. I haven't brought in gas money and car depreciation. Plus, every time you drive somewhere, you risk having an accident, which does what to your insurance premium? That's right -- increases it. So potentially, this card, if you bought it at, say, Target -- this card could cost you upwards of $100. And that's being conservative. That's really hedging. Realistically, it could cost you considerably more."
CUSTOMER: "Well, you're not entirely wrong. . . ."
ME: "Plus, I'm here at my own expense, having taken all the risk driving over here in my own car and using my own gas, to make this card available to you. Target won't do that for you."
CUSTOMER: "That's a point."
ME: "Plus, there's no tax. This is tax free."
CUSTOMER: "Okay, I'll give you $20 for it."
ME: "Sir, have I not just enumerated all the unique benefits of this transaction? Surely you don't expect me to reduce the already low, low price."
CUSTOMER: "No, I'm firm."
ME: "I can't let it go for under $24."
CUSTOMER: "$22. Final offer."
ME: "Very well. Enjoy. But may I say that you're a hard one, sir? Very hard."
CUSTOMER: "I'm sorry, but that's business."
ME: "Hard verging on cruel."
