Author:
Simulacrum
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Date:
1/27/2023 7:34:57 PM
Subject:
DiGiorno pizza is amazing
The box photographs have a way of making you forget how bad they are. Whoever does those has a lot of skill. I always fall for the pictures when there's a sale at the supermarket.
"Oooo. Five dollah? That picture looks pretty nice. They're probably not as bad as I remember."
Yes. Yes, they are.
The sauce tastes like it's made from some experimental survivalist powder. The "cheese" is some kind of FEMA-rejected dairy-like flake stuff that someone obviously poured out of a burlap bag into a vat. The meat seems more or less real, but I'm sure it's floor sweepings from a cut-rate supplier. I can't even tell what kind of fake vegetable bits they sprinkle on a supreme.
But the crowning achievement is the crust. How do they make me forget EVERY TIME that the crust is nothing like real pizza crust? At first I thought it was cracker dough that they mash into an impossibly heavy disk, but now I believe it's some sort of building product. Somehow they found a way to keep tile grout from killing people. Another miracle.
I don't know how I'm going to make myself stop buying these atrocities. There must be a help line I can call when I'm looking at the box photographs. Maybe I can get the number on a laminated card and keep it in my wallet. One way or another, I've got to stop doing this.
